Thursday, December 6

Loss for words

So I felt the need to write tonight, although I have no idea what I'm going to say. Today is another day where words elude me, so why am I dedicating a post to words I can't articulate? Because it's important to see the struggles along with the triumphs. And since many of the people who read this are my support team and prayer warriors-I'm calling in the troops on this one. I need some prayer.
This week has been hard for me. I don't want to say it's "culture shock" because it's not. I still absolutely love being in Romania and believe whole-heartedly that this is where God wants me this year. Each day I feel blessed simply to have the opportunity to walk out of my door and into such a beautiful place. But somehow, I still feel defeated and weak. I still feel like I'm battling something greater than myself, bigger than I have ever dealt with. And the feeling of defeat has left me confused. I know that not every day can be filled with happiness. With gum drops and lolipops, rainbows and balloons. I know that sometimes a few days of solitude is just what God has prescribed and ends up building you up and growing you more. I know I will survive it and God will probably teach me something I hadn't known before. I know that because of what we are doing here, I am dealing with spiritual warfare. I know that I'm not just feeling like I'm in a battle, I am in one. But knowing all of these things doesn't make it any easier for the time being and right now I wish I knew exactly how to come out of it.
But I don't. You know why? God is the ultimate planner and he's got the schedule out of view from my prying eyes at this moment. He knows what he is doing and just because I can't look at a calendar and say "well, at least it will all be over in 4 days" doesn't mean that there is no guidance, no plan, no future. It's times like these that one of my favorite verses plays over and over in my head. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 Those are powerful words.
So I can go on, I can get up in the morning and know that even when it's hard God's guiding hand is there. I can pick myself up off the ground each time I feel knocked over and forgive the knockee, maybe even thanking them for the lesson learned. I can rejoice in the fact that God is teaching me something new and unprecedented. I can be joyful, even when I don't feel happy.
God is here. And I will praise him in the storm.

5 comments:

rachel said...

It's hard, but don't despair. The tough stuff is always temporary. I am always praying for you, and you can call me any time you want to talk, day or night.

Love you lots!

Amy said...

Praying for you extra hard this week :)

gloria said...

Mel,
I am so proud of you, and lifting you before our God, who is faithful!
love always, darling.
Mom

Anonymous said...

O Melanie! You don't realize what an inspiration you are with your writings!!Bless you, dear Mel; I'm an old lady and am blown away by your maturity and faith! May God love and carry you through!"Faithful is He who called you,He will do it" 1.Thess.5:24
I'm praying for you! Love, Inge Redfield

Anonymous said...

Dear Melanie, If you experiance doughts and struggles then you are in the company of all the massive peoples of God as told in his word for our guidance.I think you are special and I'm sure that God is holding you close.That is awesome security.Love you always, Uncle Daryl.